“Trunkful of Mayhem” from Roadside Fireworks Stand Turns Out to be “Bagful of Disappointment”

LA CROSSE, WIS — Area dad Gary Veldheering took the first step to overdoing his family’s Fourth of July celebration by shopping at Frank’s Red Hot Fireworks early Wednesday evening.

Located in a tent off of Highway 35 in Onalaska, Frank’s specializes in barely-legal entertainment explosives. 

“Oh yeah, I got a 24-pack of Corona Light, a dozen limes, and a trunkful of fucking mayhem lined up for the Fourth,” said Veldheering before shouting “Woooo!” to no one in particular.

Witnesses reported seeing Veldheering’s eyes widen and flash wildly as he purchased multiple packages of fireworks, including Frank’s Party Starter Pack, The High Octane iBurn 3.0, The Screaming Beagle, The Nub-Maker Collection, and The Jason Pierre-Paul Commemorative Pack.

“It was like the more he purchased, the more relaxed he got. I could actually see the physical tension leave his body, and I think he was hiding an erection. It was weird,” said one anonymous onlooker. 

Veldheering’s enthusiastic purchases were, however, met with mixed reviews upon arriving back at his home later that evening. Two of the four Veldheering children were already asleep and one immediately began whining about her markers. Veldheering’s wife, Sharon, then questioned the amount of purchased fireworks. The breaking point came when Brennan Veldheering did not even look up from his tablet to see his father’s large haul of fireworks.

“Goddammit, Brennan!” Veldheering hissed before explaining that he is–once again–simply trying to provide this family with some fun and nobody cares. 

Veldheering then launched into a scathing diatribe outlining the disadvantages of electronic devices, video games, and the loss of old-fashioned entertainment. Sharon Veldheering then intervened to calm the tension.

“Gary, why don’t you just come in and relax for a bit? You know how you get,” she said. 

Gary Veldheering was later seen drinking a Corona Light and watching a YouTube video titled “Epic Backyard Fireworks” on his tablet.

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.