LA CROSSE, WIS — This coming semester, the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse campus will be adding a new school of study: The School of Hard Knocks.
The announcement came by university officials this past week amid growing complaints from a group of community members over how university students are, in their opinion, “unemployable liberals”. The community members, who call themselves The Grindstones, meet nightly at Fish’s Bar and Grill and have been discussing “kids these days” as the lone agenda item for the past 27 years. When asked for their source on new graduate work skills, the group mutteringly cited “the street”, “my gut told me,” and “I feel it in my bones” with varying degrees of screaming, posturing, and drunkenness.
“There ain’t no bigger feeder to the left-wing elitist brainwashing than colleges,” said Lucas Noffke, self-appointed leader of The Grindstones and noted conspiracy theorist. “It’s the greatest threat to America along with yoga, vaccinations, and flag burning.” He then incoherently trailed on for 15 minutes ending each scattered thought with “…otherwise the terrorists win.”
During the meeting with the university board, Noffke – a 1998 DeSoto High School dropout – frequently made reference to his sophomore year of high school where he led his junior varsity football team in 3rd quarter tackles in the month of August as an analogy for his cause. He claims to have used what he learned that season to get the measure passed by the university advisory board through repeated threats of physical violence, intimidation, and several dead animals in mailboxes. Noffke proclaimed he lives by the mantra “if a little knowledge is dangerous, then a lot of knowledge will kill a feller.” He then went on to cite several historically famous minds who “got the smarts bad” and died including Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Jeff Franklinson; a man who owned the bait shop on French Island.
A self-proclaimed “visionary,” Noffke often referenced the infamous Unabomber, (Ted Kazinski) who earned a degree from Harvard, a masters and Ph.D and then became a university professor of mathematics before embarking on a distinguished career of blowing shit up. Noffke claims Kazinski did it because, “Math done fuck a feller up, especially the kind of math with letters and dots and shit. He’d been crazy to not go crazy.”
Once the request was approved by several frightened, teary-eyed members of the university board, they offered Noffke a classroom in the historic Carl Wimberly Hall. Sources say Noffke quickly rejected the classroom environment by spitting his wad of chew on the table. Noffke quickly rejected the classroom environment (ie: in the form of spitting his chewing tobacco out on the table) and demanded the class be taught outside Cartwright Center in the active construction area. When questioned about safety, Noffke brandished a firearm and retorted, “Just because a gun has a safety doesn’t mean you need it.” The board immediately acquiesced.
Classes offered in The School Of Hard Knocks will include Gut-Check 101, Intangibles 101, The Way Things Used To Be 101, Eye Balls And Assholes 101, and Rub Some Dirt On It 101. Students can expect to learn valuable life skills in these courses such as: opening a beer with a lighter, confidently screaming about what the Packers need to do to fix their run defense, and all things that are considered “gay.” No graduate classes will be offered because “if you’ve even considered an advanced degree, you’re already too far gone.” When asked what skills the students can include on a resume, Noffke scoffed and stated, “A resume is French for keep going, which is American for get your ass back to work.”
The class – which is worth 0 credits – will meet six days a week for 8 hours a day, but Noffke says the students should prepare to stay at least 2 hours late every day and be on-call to come to class at any moment. There are no textbooks, and students must supply their own tool belt. In lieu of a syllabus, all students will be given a Kelley Blue Book, a stud finder, and a foldable Wisconsin road map. The classes are only open to students who are “tough as nails” and will abide by a dress code consisting of Wrangler jeans, steel-toe work boots, and sleeveless Bob Seger shirts.
“Kids don’t need an education,” Noffke finished, “I’m going to change to world, like that Martin Lawrence King Jr.”
Reporter Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.