We Kept This Succulent Alive for 3 Weeks and Oh Shit It’s Actually Just a Neglected Red Onion

ONALASKA, WIS — After months of trying, we finally found a succulent that we couldn’t kill, but as it turns out, it’s actually just part of a recipe we forgot to use.

You may have seen it all over your friends’ social media: a rise in the popularity of succulent plants. The selling point is that they barely take any work, look really cool and are super easy to take care of. The desert plants do not need much water at all and only need porous cactus soil to thrive. Basically, one would have to try to kill a succulent for it not to grow.

So anyway, we’ve killed about seven so far trying to get it right. 

We tried everything! Changing its location, varying the amount and frequency of water, singing it sweet sweet early 80’s prog rock lullabies at night… nothing worked, until just recently we noticed tall green sprouts all the way over on the kitchen table.

“Yes! Finally!” we shrieked, scaring the dog and confusing the neighbors.

But as we ran to the kitchen, our hearts sank briefly, noticing the burnt red tinge of the onion’s base, almost laughing – nay, cackling – back at us. 

“Oh hey, we forgot the red onion in that Mexican street corn pasta salad we made,” I said, a lone tear streaming down my cheek, not from the onion, but from sadness.

In every defeat, there is a lesson to be learned. So today’s lesson is: To best take care of your neglected produce, keep it in a bowl on the counter in full view but somehow completely unnoticeable. Then, totally forget about it and don’t do anything and oh shit, I think I finally understand how to take care of succulents now.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.