LA CROSSE, WIS — Making headlines Thursday were posted flyers from a “La Crosse Watch Force” angrily threatening to call the police on “homeless or suspicious looking people” near the city’s downtown.
The La Crosse Times was able to sit down for an interview with the leader (who demanded anonymity, “or else!”) of the La Crosse Watch Force before being arrested for vagrancy by association:
So, what is the “La Crosse Watch Force”?
It’s a group of really, super awesome and cool city residents who are all about justice and keeping our neighborhoods safe! And we’re not virgins, I have a LOT of sex, okay?
Right… and how many members do you have?
Well, um… it’s not just me! We have um, like a lot of us, like… we’re probably pretty close to the hundreds, so… you know, look out!
And so, you’ve taken it upon yourselves to root out what you’ve called “vagrancy”?
Yes. Vagrancy is not allowed.
You seem to have a real problem with the homeless population, why is that?
Ugh! You even have to ask? They’re like… you know, they’re there, and… you know they’re around and it’s like, hey! You know…
No, I’m struggling to follow–
Psh! Of course you are! None of you main stream media types get it! This is a crisis! Do you not understand how hard it is to walk to the library or downtown every day and have to see people there?
No, actually that sounds pretty normal and tame.
No, you don’t get it! They are like… sitting there. You know? Just… being around… existing…
And that’s bad because…?
It’s disgusting! It has to stop and I’m gon– WE are gonna do it! They have to go. To the Village Shopping Center, specifically.
Thank you for bringing that up, why the Village Shopping Center?
Because I never go there.
I thought you said there were hundreds of you in the watch force?
Mmm-hmm, yep. Hundreds.
None of you live by the shopping center?
Correct, I do not live by there.
…okay. You said you would record and report any of what you consider vagrancy behavior to the police, but singled out college students or parties as an exception.
Why is that?
Well, they have… like, they sound like they’re having a lot of fun and I just– WE just think, that… you know we don’t want to alienate th–
You want to be invited to their house parties?
YES. Oh my god yes, I want to go so badly.
Right. So, one of my last questions is about what the police think about all of this. What do they think about the watch force and what it is you’re trying to do?
They love it! They are all about the mission and–
It is at this point the interview was interrupted by La Crosse Police Officer Karpets Tugo who made it abundantly clear that our interview subject was not being truthful about the police relationship with La Crosse Watch Force.
“God dammit [name redacted]! Now you brought someone else into your bullshit? That’s it! I’m going to have to take you both in. You are making us look bad, stop it! We have a lot to do and it’s fucking hot out.”
The La Crosse Watch Force flyers have since been removed and our reporter was released. We’ve also learned that the Wisconsin state statute we believe they were trying to refer to deals with disorderly conduct, not vagrancy. However, “statue” 947.01 we’ve learned just refers to the Blue Baby.