LA CROSSE, WIS — Local white girl Jessica Arentz, 26, made a bold claim Wednesday after successfully making a new recipe for chocolate muffins.
“Ahhhhh, oh my God you guys!” Arentz shouted on her Skype virtual hangout with three equally exuberant girlfriends. “These chocolate muffins are sooo good. Best. Muffins. Ever.”
Arentz’s friends screamed, screeched, and made orgasmic faces in agreement. One nearly wet her Pink brand lounge pants.
According to her statement, Arentz’s monumental baking achievement has redefined the standards for muffin quality and etched her name in the pantheon of culinary greats, easily surpassing any other baker at any other time or place in history.
Arentz is considered an authority on matters of best things ever, having previously gone on record with multiple proclamations of all-time bests, including the following:
- That cozy sweatshirt with the fluffy inside
- Her grandmother’s pie
- Her niece
- Jordy Nelson’s butt
- The cappuccino at the coffee shop back in college
- The red-headed slut shot at Brothers bar
- The movie 10 Things I Hate about You
Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.