White House Unveils “Phase 4” Slate of Press Secretaries

WASHINGTON, DC — The White House has unveiled their plans for their next twenty press secretaries to try and fail at the position over the next year.

The announcement came from Hall H of San Diego Comic Con to roars of applause from Trump Administration fans who lined up for days just for a glimpse at the panel discussion.

“I can’t believe they are going to do one with Tomi Lahren!” squealed one fan, cosplaying as Steve Mnuchin. “I’ve been waiting for them to do that for like three years now! AHHHHHHHHH!”

White House press secretaries typically hold the job for about 15 to 30 days on average, so the pressure was on to find the next exciting slate of candidates who could handle lying to the American people on a daily basis, but be instantly forgettable once they left their post.

“Our [press secretaries] need to have the right stuff,” White House Executive Producer Gernblossom Stanis said. “They need to be young, white, good looking, white, just barely out of private school, white, and ready to be disposed of the moment people start remembering them… and also white. They basically need to be a Venti Iced Chai that came to life and then immediately pushed a person of color down a flight of stairs by the subway.”

There are no plans in the works currently, but officials hinted at the possibility of a “team-up” of the previous White House press secretaries if the president wins a second term.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.