WI Supreme Court Bans Shutdown by Mistake, Meant to Ban Shinedown

MADISON, WIS — In a 4-3 decision Wednesday, the Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled that Democratic Governor Tony Evers’ administration overstepped its authority when the state Department of Health Services extended the stay-at-home order to May 26. This ruling effectively allows almost all businesses to reopen immediately. 

Today, we are learning that this ruling was made by mistake as the court justices thought they were voting on whether the state of Wisconsin should ban the rock group Shinedown from performing in the state.

The hard rock, alternative, post-grunge, pop, southern, arena, metal rock band are best known for having more genre descriptions than actual hits. Clad with all the required phony tough guy criteria of Affliction t-shirts, frost-tipped spiked hair, pre-ripped jeans, and a plethora of barbed wire and tribal tattoos, Shinedown is known by music-lovers as the quintessential butt-rock band. 

Butt-rock bands came to fruition in the early 2000s through radio popularity with the often used radio-promotion tagline “Rock. Nothing but Rock.” These bands garnered mainstream acceptance as listeners quickly recognized the lyrically and musically watered-down songs on a rotation of being about crushing pussy, binge drinking, getting in fights, or a combination of the three with always at least one token, creepy ballad of about being dumped. 

With all the current information about Shinedown, the Wisconsin Supreme Court justices were swift with their decision to ban them from performing in the state. Unfortunately, they were too swift and voted on the wrong law. 

Public health professionals have repeatedly stressed the dangers of relaxing social distancing measures too early, but health officials have also stressed the importance of not ingesting any Shinedown either. 

“We made a grave error today,” commented Supreme Court Justice Brent Smith, “In an effort to swiftly save people from the pain of Shinedown, we’ve instead endangered them by accidentally ending the shutdown.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.