WI Supreme Court Rules Little Dutch Boy Needs to Remove His Finger Already


MADISON, WIS — On a 4-3 decision Thursday, the Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled that the Little Dutch Boy needs to “stop being a little bitch and get back to painting or whatever he does.”

The Little Dutch Boy discovered a hole in a nearby barrier designed to keep the sea from flooding his entire state and decided to take action himself by filling said hole with his own finger. He says his plan was to mitigate the potential disaster until the adults could come up with a more permanent solution. Instead of that, the Little Dutch Boy is being told to abandon that plan and get back to work.

“Yah, zis [barrier] has ze potential to wreak ze havoc on ze whole of Visconsin,” the Little Dutch Boy said, “but apparently Robin Vos getting a new coat of ze Lavender Platinum Plus Interior on his living room is much more important, yah.”

Wisconsin Republicans, who originally brought the case to the state’s highest court, argued that the disaster was in the economic downturn of not having enough paint, and not in the sea flooding the entire state.

“Look, some people might get a little wet, no one is disagreeing with that,” Assembly Speaker Robin Vos said. “But the cure can’t become worse than the flood! I’m having guests over soon, dammit! They need to know I’m a baller when it comes to interior design!”

The US Army Corps of Engineers gave stark warnings of the flooding potential, and said the new supreme court ruling made Wisconsin a “Wild European Coastal North West”.

Reporter Sam Shilts Contributed this article.