Wisconsin GOP Moves All In-Person Voting to the Sarlacc Pit

MADISON, WIS — Ignoring the advice from health care experts, liberal activist groups and the Wisconsin Jedi Counsel, the GOP led legislature moved all in-person voting to the Sarlacc Pit for the state’s April 7th’s primary.

“It is unfair to voters to just send a ballot to all of the registered voters in the state who have already jumped through our numerous hoops and rigamarole,” State Assembly Speaker Robba The Vos said. “We also can’t just postpone the election until the COVID-19 pandemic subsides and it is safe to go outside. Do you know what happens if we do that? More people vote. I can’t think of anything more unfair to everyone than more people voting.”

Vos did however admit that there is gravity to the situation, and that’s why he and other GOP leaders have moved forward with changing all in-person locations.

“According to our research, voters will be protected from COVID-19 for up to one thousand years by going to the Sarlacc Pit!” Senate Leader Scott Fitzgerald said, closing the cage door on his pet Rancor. “Who could be against that! I’ll tell you who… those filthy liberal Jedi, that’s who!”

On Tuesday’s ballot, among the Democratic presidential primary, is the race for state supreme court between progressive justice Jill Karofsky and sith lord Daniel Kelly. The La Crosse Times reached out to both candidates, but they were detained in a situation where Karofsky was being asked by Kelly to, “Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey to the GOP will be complete.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.