Visiting Texan Sues Blue Baby-Defacing Vandal for $10,000
LA CROSSE, WIS — A Texas man visiting family in La Crosse is now suing a vandal accused of helping…
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“I Need To Be Able To Kick These Lazy Renters Out!” Says Man Whose Entire Living is Passive Income
LA CROSSE, WIS — Landlords are already pushing back on a Biden administration plan to extend the eviction moratorium to…
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UN Declares Kwik Trip Parking Lot a Humanitarian Disaster
ONALASKA, WIS — A resolution recently passed by the United Nations has declared a local gas station’s parking lot as…
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Recently Hatched Mayfly Who Can Fly Anywhere Pretty Excited to Sit at Gas Pump for Rest of Its Life
LA CROSSE, WI – A mayfly from the most recent hatch says despite an ability to fly and explore much…
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Annual City-Wide College Garage Sale in Full Swing
LA CROSSE, WIS — With the school year ending and summer fast approaching, La Crosse college students have once again…
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CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public
WASHINGTON, DC — The CDC released new guidelines Wednesday saying that if one has been fully vaccinated against COVID-19, they…
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Area Dad’s “Gas Shortage” Jokes Reaching Critical Mass
LA CROSSE, WIS — News of a gas shortage after a cyber attack shut down a major supplier pipeline for…
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Residents Potentially Exposed to People Who Take Darts Too Seriously, Health Department Warns
LA CROSSE, WIS — A new warning Tuesday, as the La Crosse County Health Department says there is the potential…
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Employers: We’re Willing to Pay a Generous “Less Than it Costs to Live”, So What’s the Holdup?
LA CROSSE, WIS — Vaccines are here, some people are getting them, and we are hiring again. Hello? I said…
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Officers Show Tremendous Restraint in Not Tasing, Shooting and Deep Frying Emu Resisting Arrest
WEST SALEM — An arrest caught on video has some community members singing praise of law enforcement officers for their…
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Turns Out The Band “One Direction” Was Actually Named After the Only Way to Get to Farm and Fleet
ONALASKA, WIS — A month long investigation that was definitely not our editor taking much-needed time away has led to…
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Where Is All This Hate Coming From? All We’ve Ever Done Is Call Being Gay a Sin for Thousands of Years…
How are we supposed to educate against this? I wish there was a galvanizing figure of Christianity that preached love no matter what, that would really come in handy right now.
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New Brewery Investors to Continue Tradition of Making Downtown Smell Like Wet Butthole
Since 1858, The City Brewery has slowly perfected this 10 square mile cocoon of watery stank odor.
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BREAKING: Abandoned Buildings File for Restraining Order Against U-Haul
Other abandoned buildings are growing increasingly worried that U-Haul will target them next. As a result, multiple vacant buildings filed a joint restraining order against U-Haul Monday morning in La Crosse County Court.
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Potato-Shaped Men Struggle to Find New Masculine Potato Icon
Some local potato-shaped people have outwardly expressed their manufactured outrage with the changes to the iconic root vegetable toy.
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Johnson Also Insisting COVID Relief Bill Be Read by the Grandpa from The Princess Bride
Johnson’s office added that the senator will of course also be insisting that the reading “skip the kissing parts”.
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Texas Shores Up Energy Grid by Adding Guns to All Power Plants
Under the bill’s new regulations, each power plant must be equipped with at least 60 handguns and/or semi-automatic rifles and/or hand grenades. Plants will also be offered tax credits through the legislation if they use revelovers, a cowboy hat, and drape a large gaucho over the structure.
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Bill Feehan’s Red Polo Sweater Comes Forward as Whistleblower in Fraud Allegations
For nearly four months, the red polo sweater has been anonymously meeting with federal investigators under the codename “Deepstate Throat” in the Market Square parking ramp.
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New Bill Would Require “Yakety Sax” to Play Whenever GOP Introduces Legislation
The bill also requires the submission process to include the submitting lawmakers be chased throughout the halls and chambers of the capitol building by security guards while the tune is playing.
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Local Businessman Hoping You Won’t Notice Face Tattoo
“Personally, I think it’s pretty inconspicuous. I hardly notice it’s there anymore,” said Finemann of his colorful tattoo. “But after seven ‘holy shit!’ reactions this week plus numerous people looking away for non-COVID reasons, I’m starting to question it.”
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“Texans Can’t Handle Winter,” Says La Crosse Man Whose Home Will Be Destroyed by Flood Next Year
While these detractors come from a diverse range of backgrounds, they all have one thing in common: climate change will absolutely destroy their homes in the next few years.
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Martin Gaul Shows Range of Emotions After Close 3rd Place Mayoral Primary Finish
LA CROSSE, WIS — With final results from Tuesday’s Primary crowded race for La Crosse Mayor tallied, Vicki Markussen (1,560…
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Crochet Baby Dolls Totally Come to Life at Night, Haunt Local Man
Before his wife took up crocheting the haunting little creatures, Jaunty Waxon never had problems sleeping. Now, he spends most of his time curled up in a corned clutching a kitchen knife.
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New Job Allows Former Health Director to Address Idiots’ Comments From Entire State Now
In her La Crosse position, Rombalaski on average would endure 100-200 nonsensical comments from armchair experts each day. However, in her new job, officials say that number could potentially quadruple just on a slow day.
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Mild Chance of More Primary Voters Than Primary Candidates, Election Forecasters Say
Typically with a field this size, Senteryst says most primaries would end up in a 10-way tie, triggering the tie breaker scenario.
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Weinerfest Cancellation Leaves Behind Excess Amount of Unused Innuendo
Phallus assured people that even though the festival is cancelled, the spirit of Wienerfest can and will continue to live on in their daily lives. He encouraged folks to still try use up as much of their planned innuendo as possible.
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Local Alpacas Vow to Help Bring Back Zoo at City Hall
LA CROSSE, WIS — Local fluffy long-necked goat thingies, or ‘Alpacas’ as they are commonly known, announced plans Wednesday to…
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City Council Approves Purchase of $10B La Crosse-Sized North Face Thermoball Jacket for Cold Spell
Though the city-wide jacket was unanimously approved, the council had many difficulties deciding on some of the finer points of the jacket.
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La Crosse Eagle Sculpture Remodel Bears Striking Resemblance to Don Henley
LA CROSSE, WIS — The landmark eagle sculpture was removed from La Crosse’s Riverside Park back in September as it…
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Pearl Street Blaze First Time Water Has Been Served at Brothers
After putting out the blaze, crews were invited across the street to Yesterdaze to smash the fire truck used on Brothers into tiny bits.
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BREAKING: Weiner Curves to the Left
The weiner was airlifted from the scene and dropped into a nearby really big garbage can. The cause of the accident is still under investigation, though officials speculate that the weinermobile may have been distracted by a passing vaginamobile.
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Gundersen to Lure Anti-Vaxxers into Vaccinating via Pop-Up Fireworks Tents
Gundersen Health System has released its plan for vaccinating complete and utter dipshits who have stated they will refuse to get vaccinated for COVID-19 for a variety of nonsensical reasons. The announcement comes after a PEW study in December 2020 showed that 39% of people are opposed to getting the vaccine. This would essentially make herd immunity impossible with a minimal attainment percentage being 70%.
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New Ordinance Requires All New Business Names to Include “Rivers”, “Coulee” or “Driftless”
“We were going to do that anyway,” said Punsy Minesweeper, new owner of 3 Driftless Rivers’ Coulee Cooperative. “This is how people know if a business is located in this part of the state.”
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GameStop Stocks Explained by Someone Who Has No Idea What the Fuck is Going On
WALL STREET, USA — For those of you who are showing off your armchair knowledge of Wall Street stuff and…
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City MTU Opens Online Sales of 2021 Struggle Bus Passes
LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse Municipal Transit officials have announced, albeit a little late, that yearly passes for the…
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Wisconsin Republicans Set to Vote on Repealing the Ozone Layer Too
The legislation would be one of the first pieces passed since April of 2020 in the state of Wisconsin, and the very first piece of legislation attempting to remove an utterly necessary planetary safety net allowing life to exist.
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On a Scale of 1 to “U-Haul in the Old K-Mart”, How Disappointing Was Your Last Decision?
The thing to remember is this: Everyone has made a bad choice now and then. What’s important is that we learn from it, and don’t go on to put a car dealership in one of the old Shopko’s.
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Tom Brady Eats One Wisconsin Cheese Curd, Transforms into Cenobite “Butterball”
GREEN BAY, WIS — Upon arrival to Green Bay in preparation for the NFC Championship game against the Green Bay…
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School Districts Confident Same Mistake Will Totally Work This Time
District administrators say they are doing everything they can to prepare for in-person classes to resume, including and limited to, most everything they did to prepare for in-person classes in the fall of 2020.
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FBI Needs Your Help Identifying This Seditious Asscrack
WASHINGTON, DC — The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) is seeking information that will assist in identifying the gross, seditious…
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BREAKING: Melania “Accidently” Pushes Trump Out of Marine One: “Oops”
WASHINGTON, DC — Shortly after Donald Trump said farewell to Washington and left aboard Marine One, Trump was seen falling…
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Holy Fuck! A Fucking Hot Dog Car! Fuck!
LA CROSSE, WIS — Oh my Jesus H. Whinnying Horse-Fucking Christ, there is a god damned Oscar Meyer Weinermobile in…
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Mike Lindell Unveils New Line of Tactical Assault Pillows for Domestic Terrorists
CHANHASSEN, MN — The CEO of MyPillow has released a new line of pillows specifically designed for domestic terrorists looking…
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Signs Clarifying New Hate Groups Just for Virgins Deemed “Redundant”
LA CROSSE, WIS — Newly discovered signs on Viterbo’s campus are clarifying that two new hate groups, the Sons of…
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Hot Pockets Recalled After Pieces of Edible Food Found Inside
MOUNT STERLING, KY — Nestlé Prepared Foods is recalling 762,615 pounds of Pepperoni Hot Pockets after pieces of actual edible…
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Kwik Trip Voted Best Place to Gain 26 Pounds in 2021
LA CROSSE, WIS — On the heels of the news that Glassdoor ranked Kwik Trip one of the best places…
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Rivoli Ghosts Excited to Finally Start Haunting Movie-Goers Again
LA CROSSE, WIS — With the news that the Rivoli will reopen Friday, the apparitions haunting the historic theater are…
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OPINION: Repainting This Kid’s Room is Gonna Suck, Let’s Just Have One Instead
ONALASKA, WIS — Moving into a new house is an exciting but also nightmarish time filled with a mountain of…
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Young Mayoral Candidate’s Flyer Destroyed by His High School English Teacher
LA CROSSE, WIS — Eighteen-year-old La Crosse mayoral candidate Sam Schneider’s campaign got off to a rocky start this week…
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“Sexy La Crosse Mayoral Candidates With Puppies Calendars” For Sale
LA CROSSE, WIS — As a show of unity and collective love for the city, the La Crosse mayoral candidates…
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U-Haul Wondering If You’d Be Able to Help Them With Something For a Few Hours Next Saturday
LA CROSSE, WI — U-Haul recently confirmed that they have bought the old K-Mart building in La Crosse, and will…
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BREAKING: The Table Leg You Stubbed Your Toe On Was Actually ANTIFA In Disguise
Officials were initially skeptical, but after 2 hours of YouTube “reserch!” law enforcement officers were convinced that the table leg made of solid 5 inch pine was actually a clever disguise used by anti-fascist agitators for the purpose of making real patriots look stupid.
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Local Dad Builds Hairiest LEGO Castle from Pieces Found Sucked Up in Vacuum
A Holmen dad has constructed the world’s hairiest LEGO castle this past weekend using only random pieces he found sucked up into his vacuum and wrapped in hair.
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Lucifer Announces 2021 Goals in State of the Underworld Address
HELL, UNIVERSE — In his annual State of the Underworld address, Reigning Lord of Damnation Lucifer spoke to a large…
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Televangelist Pat Robertson’s Head Descends Another 8 Inches Toward Hell
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – Media mogul, televangelist, and blackened soul Pat Robertson took another step toward burning in eternal damnation…
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Man Scream-Posting “FIX THE ROADS” Now Extremely Upset About Road Construction
La Crosse Times Year In Review – July LA CROSSE, WIS — A local resident has done an about face…
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“Best of La Crosse County” Celebrates One Millionth Category
La Crosse Times Year In Review – February LA CROSSE, WIS – With the addition of the “Best Restaurant That…
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Man Says “Moon Tunes” Three Times Into Mirror, Andy Hughes Magically Appears
La Crosse Times Year In Review – April LA CROSSE, WIS — What started as local legend was confirmed Sunday…
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Guy Wearing Camo Year-Round Says a Mask Will Make Him “Look Weird”
La Crosse Times Year In Review – July SPARTA, FL — Resistance to wearing facial coverings continues, particularly in more…
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Multiple Elvi Injured in Downtown Elvis Explosion Explosion
La Crosse Times Year In Review – February LA CROSSE, WIS — Elvis Explosion officials are reeling after a series…
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“Happy Birthday Tanner” Completely Tanks at the Box Office
La Crosse Times Year In Review – February LA CROSSE, WIS — Coming in at $0.0 million dollars, Happy Birthday…
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Menards Now Only Requiring Patrons to Wear 11% of a Face Mask
La Crosse Times Year In Review – May EAU CLAIRE, WIS — Menards updated their pandemic policies Sunday, slightly easing…
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La Crosse School District Purchases ED-209 for Crossing Guard Duty
La Crosse Times Year In Review – February LA CROSSE, WIS — In response to a troubling number of cars…
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“No Other Way to Balance the Budget” Says Police Chief Decked Out in $50,000 of Riot Gear
La Crosse Times Year In Review – June LA CROSSE, WIS — Facing budget shortfalls due to COVID-19, the City…
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County Reports 27 New Cases of People Coming to Full Stop at Empty Roundabout
La Crosse Times Year In Review – August LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse County has added another 27 cases…
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Smiley Face Killer Reportedly Struggling to Work From Home
La Crosse Times Year In Review – March LA CROSSE, WIS — The coronavirus pandemic is seriously throwing a wrench…
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BREAKING: King Gambrinus Tests Positive for Keystone Light
La Crosse Times Year In Review – March LA CROSSE, WIS — The Brewers Association confirmed a startling discovery to…
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La Crosse Queen Fitted to Become First Fully Armored Paddle Destroyer
La Crosse Times Year In Review – March LA CROSSE, WIS — This summer, the La Crosse Queen paddle boat…
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Disappointed La Crosse PD Blames “A Few Good Apples” for Peaceful Demonstrations
La Crosse Times Year In Review – May LA CROSSE, WIS — A spokesman for the La Crosse Police Department…
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County Releases Swarm of Angry Parents to Control Bar Populations
La Crosse Times Year In Review – June LA CROSSE, WIS — In response to the recent uptick in COVID-19…
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Golden Keg Files for Unemployment
La Crosse Times Year In Review – June LA CROSSE, WIS — Following Monday’s announcement that the 60th annual Oktoberfest…
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Netflix Offers to Put Skip Button on Losey Boulevard
La Crosse Times Year In Review – July LA CROSSE, WIS — Commuters in the La Crosse area received exciting…
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Local Kids Looking Forward to Going Apeshit at New Pizza Ranch Location
La Crosse Times Year In Review – February LA CROSSE, WIS — Teagen and Jace Breckenmeyer know a thing or…
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Harter’s to Start Picking Up Excess Emotional Baggage
La Crosse Times Year In Review – April LA CROSSE, WIS — Harter’s Quick Clean-Up announced Thursday new pick up…
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Man Wins Bodega Brew Pub, Inc. as a Wheel Spin Item
La Crosse Times Year In Review – March LA CROSSE, WIS — A La Crosse man is now unexpectedly the…
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Report: Wearing Mask Totally Makes Your Penis Look Bigger, Breasts Look Fuller
La Crosse Times Year In Review – June LA CROSSE, WIS — A new study conducted by Gundersen Health System…
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City to Replace Hiawatha with “White Woman Calling Cops” Statue
La Crosse Times Year In Review – July LA CROSSE, WIS — The mayor has requested the city honor artist…
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Broncos to Close Down Amid Severe Risk of People Finding Out You Drink at Broncos
La Crosse Times Year In Review – June LA CROSSE, WIS — A bar along La Crosse’s infamous 3rd Street…
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Confused Man With Scalpel and Gloves Arrested at Pizza Doctor’s Exploratory Surgery
La Crosse Times Year In Review – June LA CROSSE, WIS — A Shelby man is in police custody yet…
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With First Vaccines Delivered, La Crosse Plans a “Return to Normal” Starting 6 Months Ago
With the first of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines delivered and administered to front-line healthcare workers in La Crosse, officials are now saying residents can plan a “return to normal”, to begin six months ago.
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New Surgery Means Woman Legitimately Has “Handful of Years Left” on Student Loans
Riordan is excited by her newfound ability to count down her student loan payments, as well as being able to win any snowball fight in which she may find herself.
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Area Teenager Diagnosed with Political Aspirations
Experts say one of the most common causes of PA is owning a business, and is typically seen along with the reaching of middle age.
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La Crosse Hiking and Biking Trails Closed Briefly for Emergency Sasquatch Hunt
“We are immediately authorizing a weekend long hunt conducted by parks officials to address the sasquatch infestation in Upper Hixon,” La Crosse parks director Jay Jacobsons said. “Sasquatch can cause irreparable harm to our forests and trails not only directly with it’s big-ass stomping feet, but also with the amount of lunatics it will draw to the trails trying to capture a picture of it.”
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La Crosse GOP Asks WI Supreme Court to Check Under Its Bed for the Voter Fraud Monster, Again
La Crosse County Republican Party chair Bill Feehan has asked the Wisconsin Supreme Court once again to check under his bed for the Voter Fraud Monster, this being the 42nd night in a row. The request came again Monday shortly after the Wisconsin presidential electors cast their votes for president-elect Biden.
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Dems Release Army of Cats into Capitol Rotunda in Latest Escalation of Christmas Tree War
The state’s most boring and tedious conflict over whether or not to have a Christmas tree up in the state capitol building took yet another step Wednesday.
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STUDY: Turns Out Most La Crosse Club Goers Getting Their Families the Same Gift for Christmas
SLOPPY speculates that the reasoning behind the popular gift could be due to a number of factors, first and foremost of which is price and ease of purchase.
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Cutesy Pregnancy Announcement Reminds Everyone That the Couple Fucked
When Mike and Becky Wank started brainstorming their pregnancy announcement ideas, all they wanted was vomit-level cutesiness, but finding the right idea was not as simple as they thought.
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Tear-Strewn COVID-19 Alleges Toxic Infection Experience with Ellen DeGeneres
COVID-19 detailed that DeGeneres’ frequent attacks included calling it the names of several eradicated diseases including “Smaller Pox” and “Pussy Polio.”
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Man Asks Supreme Court to Overturn His Wife’s Purchase of “A Bad Moms Christmas”
Alongside Mila Kunis, A Bad Moms Christmas stars Katherine Hahn (star of 2013’s Afternoon Delight) and Kristen Bell (star of Whatever Amy Poehler Isn’t Available For) as the “Bad Moms”, who have to deal with their own mothers at Christmas time and the troubles therein for an entertaining but mostly forgettable experience.
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How to Tell Whether You Are Running for Mayor, or Just Don’t Like Alternate Side Parking
With so many already vying for the highest office in city hall, residents in the city of La Crosse are now beginning to wonder: “Am I also running for mayor…? Or do I just hate alternate side parking and think that being mayor would give me sweeping and broad power to just do away with it so I could save 30 bucks this winter…?”
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GOP Lawmakers Erect Fake Tree as Symbol for Their Fake Christian Values
To be a Republican who weaponizes Christianity for political gain is a thin tightrope to walk everyday. It is only through meaningless public displays of grandstanding their phony religious oppression like this that allow them to continue being power-seeking moral shit-stains.
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Dave Grohl Begins Holiday Season with Lighting of Krist(mas) Novoselic Tree
The Grohl family then sit back and sip on some hot coco and enjoy the Krist(mas) tree as his six foot seven inch frame bounces around the living room kicking things over.
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We Reviewed All of Our New Sponsor’s Wines and Now Our Exes Have a Lot of Voicemails We Don’t Remember Leaving
We were blown away at just how well each wine paired with leaving one of our exes a desperate, meandering, and sometimes unintelligible voicemail in the early morning hours.
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Mayor Candidate Martin Gaul Already Up 3000 Votes Due to Stoic Badass Look
In a press conference Wednesday morning, Gaul announced his candidacy by standing in silence, without expression, with his arm outstretched clutching completed election papers for all to see. Gaul remained motionless for five straight minutes before nodding and walking off.
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Speaker Robin Vos Releases GOP COVID Plan While Lightly Stroking White Cat in Secret Lair
The statement was delivered via video message of the speaker sitting in his favorite oversized v-shaped leather chair, petting a long haired white cat, all recorded at a secret underground lair in southeastern Wisconsin.
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Local Republican Struggling to Throw Out Old Mushy Pumpkin
Meanwhile, family members think the pumpkin has overstayed its welcome and that Junkle may be in denial, as the pumpkin is clearly imploding under its own weight.
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La Crosse K9 Unit Prevents Local Stoners From Enjoying A Movie
The La Crosse Police department conducted a drug search of a vehicle stopped on I-90 near La Crosse, when the K9 unit discovered three pounds of marijuana, or the equivalent of roughly 300 stoners enjoying one long movie, or one stoner enjoying 300.
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Man Refers to Erection as “The Monolith”, Which Explains Sudden Disappearance, Wife Says
Tina Lea Johnson, whose muumuu and hair-curler combination included most of the available colors on the spectrum of light, asserted that the Utah Monolith description was apt for all the wrong reasons.
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BREAKING: Local Man’s “Sven and Ole” Joke Now Entering Its Sixth Year Without Finishing Yet
Barre’s tale continues from bar opening to bar close every single night. Each day, he picks up exactly where he left off the night before, drawing in crowds larger and larger each night in anticipation of him finally reaching the punch line.
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Conspiracy Theory Saying Dustin Luecke is Just Several Puppies in a Suit Gains Traction
Members of the group “Pupstin Lickme” believe in the baseless theory that the news anchor and community theater actor is not a real person, but in fact a conspiracy to commit a hostile, but adorable, takeover of the local media landscape.
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