More Stories

man in pink dress shirt

“I Need To Be Able To Kick These Lazy Renters Out!” Says Man Whose Entire Living is Passive Income

LA CROSSE, WIS — Landlords are already pushing back on a Biden administration plan to extend the eviction moratorium to…

Keep reading

Employers: We’re Willing to Pay a Generous “Less Than it Costs to Live”, So What’s the Holdup?

LA CROSSE, WIS — Vaccines are here, some people are getting them, and we are hiring again. Hello? I said…

Keep reading

Turns Out The Band “One Direction” Was Actually Named After the Only Way to Get to Farm and Fleet

ONALASKA, WIS — A month long investigation that was definitely not our editor taking much-needed time away has led to…

Keep reading

Where Is All This Hate Coming From? All We’ve Ever Done Is Call Being Gay a Sin for Thousands of Years…

How are we supposed to educate against this? I wish there was a galvanizing figure of Christianity that preached love no matter what, that would really come in handy right now.

Keep reading

BREAKING: Abandoned Buildings File for Restraining Order Against U-Haul

Other abandoned buildings are growing increasingly worried that U-Haul will target them next. As a result, multiple vacant buildings filed a joint restraining order against U-Haul Monday morning in La Crosse County Court.

Keep reading

Johnson Also Insisting COVID Relief Bill Be Read by the Grandpa from The Princess Bride

Johnson’s office added that the senator will of course also be insisting that the reading “skip the kissing parts”.

Keep reading

Texas Shores Up Energy Grid by Adding Guns to All Power Plants

Under the bill’s new regulations, each power plant must be equipped with at least 60 handguns and/or semi-automatic rifles and/or hand grenades. Plants will also be offered tax credits through the legislation if they use revelovers, a cowboy hat, and drape a large gaucho over the structure.

Keep reading

Bill Feehan’s Red Polo Sweater Comes Forward as Whistleblower in Fraud Allegations

For nearly four months, the red polo sweater has been anonymously meeting with federal investigators under the codename “Deepstate Throat” in the Market Square parking ramp.

Keep reading

New Bill Would Require “Yakety Sax” to Play Whenever GOP Introduces Legislation

The bill also requires the submission process to include the submitting lawmakers be chased throughout the halls and chambers of the capitol building by security guards while the tune is playing.

Keep reading

Local Businessman Hoping You Won’t Notice Face Tattoo

“Personally, I think it’s pretty inconspicuous. I hardly notice it’s there anymore,” said Finemann of his colorful tattoo. “But after seven ‘holy shit!’ reactions this week plus numerous people looking away for non-COVID reasons, I’m starting to question it.”

Keep reading

“Texans Can’t Handle Winter,” Says La Crosse Man Whose Home Will Be Destroyed by Flood Next Year

While these detractors come from a diverse range of backgrounds, they all have one thing in common: climate change will absolutely destroy their homes in the next few years.

Keep reading

Crochet Baby Dolls Totally Come to Life at Night, Haunt Local Man

Before his wife took up crocheting the haunting little creatures, Jaunty Waxon never had problems sleeping. Now, he spends most of his time curled up in a corned clutching a kitchen knife.

Keep reading

New Job Allows Former Health Director to Address Idiots’ Comments From Entire State Now

In her La Crosse position, Rombalaski on average would endure 100-200 nonsensical comments from armchair experts each day. However, in her new job, officials say that number could potentially quadruple just on a slow day.

Keep reading

Mild Chance of More Primary Voters Than Primary Candidates, Election Forecasters Say

Typically with a field this size, Senteryst says most primaries would end up in a 10-way tie, triggering the tie breaker scenario.

Keep reading

Weinerfest Cancellation Leaves Behind Excess Amount of Unused Innuendo

Phallus assured people that even though the festival is cancelled, the spirit of Wienerfest can and will continue to live on in their daily lives. He encouraged folks to still try use up as much of their planned innuendo as possible.

Keep reading

City Council Approves Purchase of $10B La Crosse-Sized North Face Thermoball Jacket for Cold Spell

Though the city-wide jacket was unanimously approved, the council had many difficulties deciding on some of the finer points of the jacket.

Keep reading

BREAKING: Weiner Curves to the Left

The weiner was airlifted from the scene and dropped into a nearby really big garbage can. The cause of the accident is still under investigation, though officials speculate that the weinermobile may have been distracted by a passing vaginamobile.

Keep reading

Gundersen to Lure Anti-Vaxxers into Vaccinating via Pop-Up Fireworks Tents

Gundersen Health System has released its plan for vaccinating complete and utter dipshits who have stated they will refuse to get vaccinated for COVID-19 for a variety of nonsensical reasons. The announcement comes after a PEW study in December 2020 showed that 39% of people are opposed to getting the vaccine. This would essentially make herd immunity impossible with a minimal attainment percentage being 70%.

Keep reading

New Ordinance Requires All New Business Names to Include “Rivers”, “Coulee” or “Driftless”

“We were going to do that anyway,” said Punsy Minesweeper, new owner of 3 Driftless Rivers’ Coulee Cooperative. “This is how people know if a business is located in this part of the state.”

Keep reading

Wisconsin Republicans Set to Vote on Repealing the Ozone Layer Too

The legislation would be one of the first pieces passed since April of 2020 in the state of Wisconsin, and the very first piece of legislation attempting to remove an utterly necessary planetary safety net allowing life to exist.

Keep reading

On a Scale of 1 to “U-Haul in the Old K-Mart”, How Disappointing Was Your Last Decision?

The thing to remember is this: Everyone has made a bad choice now and then. What’s important is that we learn from it, and don’t go on to put a car dealership in one of the old Shopko’s.

Keep reading

School Districts Confident Same Mistake Will Totally Work This Time

District administrators say they are doing everything they can to prepare for in-person classes to resume, including and limited to, most everything they did to prepare for in-person classes in the fall of 2020.

Keep reading

BREAKING: Melania “Accidently” Pushes Trump Out of Marine One: “Oops”

WASHINGTON, DC — Shortly after Donald Trump said farewell to Washington and left aboard Marine One, Trump was seen falling…

Keep reading

Young Mayoral Candidate’s Flyer Destroyed by His High School English Teacher

LA CROSSE, WIS — Eighteen-year-old La Crosse mayoral candidate Sam Schneider’s campaign got off to a rocky start this week…

Keep reading

BREAKING: The Table Leg You Stubbed Your Toe On Was Actually ANTIFA In Disguise

Officials were initially skeptical, but after 2 hours of YouTube “reserch!” law enforcement officers were convinced that the table leg made of solid 5 inch pine was actually a clever disguise used by anti-fascist agitators for the purpose of making real patriots look stupid.

Keep reading

Local Dad Builds Hairiest LEGO Castle from Pieces Found Sucked Up in Vacuum

A Holmen dad has constructed the world’s hairiest LEGO castle this past weekend using only random pieces he found sucked up into his vacuum and wrapped in hair.

Keep reading

Televangelist Pat Robertson’s Head Descends Another 8 Inches Toward Hell

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – Media mogul, televangelist, and blackened soul Pat Robertson took another step toward burning in eternal damnation…

Keep reading

Guy Wearing Camo Year-Round Says a Mask Will Make Him “Look Weird”

La Crosse Times Year In Review – July SPARTA, FL — Resistance to wearing facial coverings continues, particularly in more…

Keep reading

With First Vaccines Delivered, La Crosse Plans a “Return to Normal” Starting 6 Months Ago

With the first of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines delivered and administered to front-line healthcare workers in La Crosse, officials are now saying residents can plan a “return to normal”, to begin six months ago.

Keep reading

New Surgery Means Woman Legitimately Has “Handful of Years Left” on Student Loans

Riordan is excited by her newfound ability to count down her student loan payments, as well as being able to win any snowball fight in which she may find herself.

Keep reading

La Crosse Hiking and Biking Trails Closed Briefly for Emergency Sasquatch Hunt

“We are immediately authorizing a weekend long hunt conducted by parks officials to address the sasquatch infestation in Upper Hixon,” La Crosse parks director Jay Jacobsons said. “Sasquatch can cause irreparable harm to our forests and trails not only directly with it’s big-ass stomping feet, but also with the amount of lunatics it will draw to the trails trying to capture a picture of it.”

Keep reading

La Crosse GOP Asks WI Supreme Court to Check Under Its Bed for the Voter Fraud Monster, Again

La Crosse County Republican Party chair Bill Feehan has asked the Wisconsin Supreme Court once again to check under his bed for the Voter Fraud Monster, this being the 42nd night in a row. The request came again Monday shortly after the Wisconsin presidential electors cast their votes for president-elect Biden.

Keep reading

Dems Release Army of Cats into Capitol Rotunda in Latest Escalation of Christmas Tree War

The state’s most boring and tedious conflict over whether or not to have a Christmas tree up in the state capitol building took yet another step Wednesday.

Keep reading

STUDY: Turns Out Most La Crosse Club Goers Getting Their Families the Same Gift for Christmas

SLOPPY speculates that the reasoning behind the popular gift could be due to a number of factors, first and foremost of which is price and ease of purchase.

Keep reading

Cutesy Pregnancy Announcement Reminds Everyone That the Couple Fucked

When Mike and Becky Wank started brainstorming their pregnancy announcement ideas, all they wanted was vomit-level cutesiness, but finding the right idea was not as simple as they thought.

Keep reading

Tear-Strewn COVID-19 Alleges Toxic Infection Experience with Ellen DeGeneres

COVID-19 detailed that DeGeneres’ frequent attacks included calling it the names of several eradicated diseases including “Smaller Pox” and “Pussy Polio.”

Keep reading

Man Asks Supreme Court to Overturn His Wife’s Purchase of “A Bad Moms Christmas”

Alongside Mila Kunis, A Bad Moms Christmas stars Katherine Hahn (star of 2013’s Afternoon Delight) and Kristen Bell (star of Whatever Amy Poehler Isn’t Available For) as the “Bad Moms”, who have to deal with their own mothers at Christmas time and the troubles therein for an entertaining but mostly forgettable experience.

Keep reading

How to Tell Whether You Are Running for Mayor, or Just Don’t Like Alternate Side Parking

With so many already vying for the highest office in city hall, residents in the city of La Crosse are now beginning to wonder: “Am I also running for mayor…? Or do I just hate alternate side parking and think that being mayor would give me sweeping and broad power to just do away with it so I could save 30 bucks this winter…?”

Keep reading

GOP Lawmakers Erect Fake Tree as Symbol for Their Fake Christian Values

To be a Republican who weaponizes Christianity for political gain is a thin tightrope to walk everyday. It is only through meaningless public displays of grandstanding their phony religious oppression like this that allow them to continue being power-seeking moral shit-stains.

Keep reading

Dave Grohl Begins Holiday Season with Lighting of Krist(mas) Novoselic Tree

The Grohl family then sit back and sip on some hot coco and enjoy the Krist(mas) tree as his six foot seven inch frame bounces around the living room kicking things over.

Keep reading

We Reviewed All of Our New Sponsor’s Wines and Now Our Exes Have a Lot of Voicemails We Don’t Remember Leaving

We were blown away at just how well each wine paired with leaving one of our exes a desperate, meandering, and sometimes unintelligible voicemail in the early morning hours.

Keep reading

Mayor Candidate Martin Gaul Already Up 3000 Votes Due to Stoic Badass Look

In a press conference Wednesday morning, Gaul announced his candidacy by standing in silence, without expression, with his arm outstretched clutching completed election papers for all to see. Gaul remained motionless for five straight minutes before nodding and walking off.

Keep reading

Speaker Robin Vos Releases GOP COVID Plan While Lightly Stroking White Cat in Secret Lair

The statement was delivered via video message of the speaker sitting in his favorite oversized v-shaped leather chair, petting a long haired white cat, all recorded at a secret underground lair in southeastern Wisconsin.

Keep reading

Local Republican Struggling to Throw Out Old Mushy Pumpkin

Meanwhile, family members think the pumpkin has overstayed its welcome and that Junkle may be in denial, as the pumpkin is clearly imploding under its own weight.

Keep reading

La Crosse K9 Unit Prevents Local Stoners From Enjoying A Movie

The La Crosse Police department conducted a drug search of a vehicle stopped on I-90 near La Crosse, when the K9 unit discovered three pounds of marijuana, or the equivalent of roughly 300 stoners enjoying one long movie, or one stoner enjoying 300.

Keep reading

Man Refers to Erection as “The Monolith”, Which Explains Sudden Disappearance, Wife Says

Tina Lea Johnson, whose muumuu and hair-curler combination included most of the available colors on the spectrum of light, asserted that the Utah Monolith description was apt for all the wrong reasons.

Keep reading

BREAKING: Local Man’s “Sven and Ole” Joke Now Entering Its Sixth Year Without Finishing Yet

Barre’s tale continues from bar opening to bar close every single night. Each day, he picks up exactly where he left off the night before, drawing in crowds larger and larger each night in anticipation of him finally reaching the punch line.

Keep reading

Conspiracy Theory Saying Dustin Luecke is Just Several Puppies in a Suit Gains Traction

Members of the group “Pupstin Lickme” believe in the baseless theory that the news anchor and community theater actor is not a real person, but in fact a conspiracy to commit a hostile, but adorable, takeover of the local media landscape.

Keep reading

Loading…

Something went wrong. Please refresh the page and/or try again.