FL Gov. begins process of loading Hurricane Ian on plane to Madison

‘Somebody do something!’ cries party currently in control, not doing something

Rotary Lights Sets Up New Display Specifically in Honor of Mother Nature

Man Feeling Pretty Heroic About Donating All The Non-Perishable Food He Doesn’t Wanna Eat

Visiting Texan Sues Blue Baby-Defacing Vandal for $10,000

‘I need to be able to kick these lazy renters out!’ says man whose entire living is passive income

UN Declares Kwik Trip Parking Lot a Humanitarian Disaster

Recently Hatched Mayfly Who Can Fly Anywhere Pretty Excited to Sit at Gas Pump for Rest of Its Life

Annual City-Wide College Garage Sale in Full Swing

CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public

Area Dad’s “Gas Shortage” Jokes Reaching Critical Mass

Residents Potentially Exposed to People Who Take Darts Too Seriously, Health Department Warns

Employers: We’re Willing to Pay a Generous “Less Than it Costs to Live”, So What’s the Holdup?

Officers Show Tremendous Restraint in Not Tasing, Shooting and Deep Frying Emu Resisting Arrest

Turns Out The Band “One Direction” Was Actually Named After the Only Way to Get to Farm and Fleet

Where Is All This Hate Coming From? All We’ve Ever Done Is Call Being Gay a Sin for Thousands of Years…

New Brewery Investors to Continue Tradition of Making Downtown Smell Like Wet Butthole

BREAKING: Abandoned Buildings File for Restraining Order Against U-Haul

Potato-Shaped Men Struggle to Find New Masculine Potato Icon

Johnson Also Insisting COVID Relief Bill Be Read by the Grandpa from The Princess Bride

Texas Shores Up Energy Grid by Adding Guns to All Power Plants

Bill Feehan’s Red Polo Sweater Comes Forward as Whistleblower in Fraud Allegations

New Bill Would Require “Yakety Sax” to Play Whenever GOP Introduces Legislation

Local Businessman Hoping You Won’t Notice Face Tattoo

“Texans Can’t Handle Winter,” Says La Crosse Man Whose Home Will Be Destroyed by Flood Next Year

Martin Gaul Shows Range of Emotions After Close 3rd Place Mayoral Primary Finish

Crochet Baby Dolls Totally Come to Life at Night, Haunt Local Man

New Job Allows Former Health Director to Address Idiots’ Comments From Entire State Now

Mild Chance of More Primary Voters Than Primary Candidates, Election Forecasters Say

Weinerfest Cancellation Leaves Behind Excess Amount of Unused Innuendo

Local Alpacas Vow to Help Bring Back Zoo at City Hall

City Council Approves Purchase of $10B La Crosse-Sized North Face Thermoball Jacket for Cold Spell

La Crosse Eagle Sculpture Remodel Bears Striking Resemblance to Don Henley

Pearl Street Blaze First Time Water Has Been Served at Brothers

BREAKING: Weiner Curves to the Left

Gundersen to Lure Anti-Vaxxers into Vaccinating via Pop-Up Fireworks Tents

New Ordinance Requires All New Business Names to Include “Rivers”, “Coulee” or “Driftless”

GameStop Stocks Explained by Someone Who Has No Idea What the Fuck is Going On

City MTU Opens Online Sales of 2021 Struggle Bus Passes

Wisconsin Republicans Set to Vote on Repealing the Ozone Layer Too

On a Scale of 1 to “U-Haul in the Old K-Mart”, How Disappointing Was Your Last Decision?

Tom Brady Eats One Wisconsin Cheese Curd, Transforms into Cenobite “Butterball”

School Districts Confident Same Mistake Will Totally Work This Time

FBI Needs Your Help Identifying This Seditious Asscrack

BREAKING: Melania “Accidently” Pushes Trump Out of Marine One: “Oops”

Holy Fuck! A Fucking Hot Dog Car! Fuck!

Mike Lindell Unveils New Line of Tactical Assault Pillows for Domestic Terrorists

Signs Clarifying New Hate Groups Just for Virgins Deemed “Redundant”

Hot Pockets Recalled After Pieces of Edible Food Found Inside

Kwik Trip Voted Best Place to Gain 26 Pounds in 2021

Rivoli Ghosts Excited to Finally Start Haunting Movie-Goers Again

OPINION: Repainting This Kid’s Room is Gonna Suck, Let’s Just Have One Instead

Young Mayoral Candidate’s Flyer Destroyed by His High School English Teacher

“Sexy La Crosse Mayoral Candidates With Puppies Calendars” For Sale

U-Haul Wondering If You’d Be Able to Help Them With Something For a Few Hours Next Saturday

BREAKING: The Table Leg You Stubbed Your Toe On Was Actually ANTIFA In Disguise

Local Dad Builds Hairiest LEGO Castle from Pieces Found Sucked Up in Vacuum

Lucifer Announces 2021 Goals in State of the Underworld Address

Televangelist Pat Robertson’s Head Descends Another 8 Inches Toward Hell

Man Scream-Posting “FIX THE ROADS” Now Extremely Upset About Road Construction

“Best of La Crosse County” Celebrates One Millionth Category

Man Says “Moon Tunes” Three Times Into Mirror, Andy Hughes Magically Appears

Guy Wearing Camo Year-Round Says a Mask Will Make Him “Look Weird”

Multiple Elvi Injured in Downtown Elvis Explosion Explosion

“Happy Birthday Tanner” Completely Tanks at the Box Office

Menards Now Only Requiring Patrons to Wear 11% of a Face Mask

La Crosse School District Purchases ED-209 for Crossing Guard Duty

“No Other Way to Balance the Budget” Says Police Chief Decked Out in $50,000 of Riot Gear

County Reports 27 New Cases of People Coming to Full Stop at Empty Roundabout

Smiley Face Killer Reportedly Struggling to Work From Home

BREAKING: King Gambrinus Tests Positive for Keystone Light

La Crosse Queen Fitted to Become First Fully Armored Paddle Destroyer

Disappointed La Crosse PD Blames “A Few Good Apples” for Peaceful Demonstrations

County Releases Swarm of Angry Parents to Control Bar Populations

Golden Keg Files for Unemployment

Netflix Offers to Put Skip Button on Losey Boulevard

Local Kids Looking Forward to Going Apeshit at New Pizza Ranch Location

Harter’s to Start Picking Up Excess Emotional Baggage

Man Wins Bodega Brew Pub, Inc. as a Wheel Spin Item

Report: Wearing Mask Totally Makes Your Penis Look Bigger, Breasts Look Fuller

City to Replace Hiawatha with “White Woman Calling Cops” Statue

Broncos to Close Down Amid Severe Risk of People Finding Out You Drink at Broncos

Confused Man With Scalpel and Gloves Arrested at Pizza Doctor’s Exploratory Surgery

With First Vaccines Delivered, La Crosse Plans a “Return to Normal” Starting 6 Months Ago

New Surgery Means Woman Legitimately Has “Handful of Years Left” on Student Loans

Area Teenager Diagnosed with Political Aspirations

La Crosse Hiking and Biking Trails Closed Briefly for Emergency Sasquatch Hunt

La Crosse GOP Asks WI Supreme Court to Check Under Its Bed for the Voter Fraud Monster, Again

Dems Release Army of Cats into Capitol Rotunda in Latest Escalation of Christmas Tree War

STUDY: Turns Out Most La Crosse Club Goers Getting Their Families the Same Gift for Christmas

Cutesy Pregnancy Announcement Reminds Everyone That the Couple Fucked

Tear-Strewn COVID-19 Alleges Toxic Infection Experience with Ellen DeGeneres

Man Asks Supreme Court to Overturn His Wife’s Purchase of “A Bad Moms Christmas”

How to Tell Whether You Are Running for Mayor, or Just Don’t Like Alternate Side Parking

GOP Lawmakers Erect Fake Tree as Symbol for Their Fake Christian Values

Dave Grohl Begins Holiday Season with Lighting of Krist(mas) Novoselic Tree

We Reviewed All of Our New Sponsor’s Wines and Now Our Exes Have a Lot of Voicemails We Don’t Remember Leaving

Mayor Candidate Martin Gaul Already Up 3000 Votes Due to Stoic Badass Look

Speaker Robin Vos Releases GOP COVID Plan While Lightly Stroking White Cat in Secret Lair

Local Republican Struggling to Throw Out Old Mushy Pumpkin